10 years ago, in 2002, I felt inspired to write a memoir. I was a housewife, at the time, and a young mother of 2 small girls. Granted, I was very in love with my husband, but I married quite early at the age of 20. Any young woman in her early 20’s, who has small children to care for and a home to tend to, can relate to the feelings of not knowing who you truly are. A wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend – those are merely labels. It’s not an identity.
“Who am I?” I asked myself often. “What do I like to do? What am I interested in? What do I want to learn? What adventures intrigue me?”
Often times, when my in-laws would take the girls for the day or the weekend, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Mostly, I would simply zone out into chat rooms, escape into a movie, clean the house or just do a whole lot of nothing. If my husband was home from work he would be painting, reading or sleeping. Not only did I lack motivation to do anything incredibly creative or productive, I simply had no idea what to do. My heart and consciousness had yet to expand.
During that year, some very personal issues were arising in me. It became a force to be reckoned with. I began to question my sexuality. My feelings and desires for men and women ebbed and flowed like the tide on a full moon. I was too young and ignorant to know how to process any of those feelings. Nor did I know how to improve my rocky marriage. I simply did not know myself yet. Therefore, I purposefully created and attracted life experience through drama and chaos. In other words, I rocked the boat. It was the only way I knew how to deal with my erratic emotions and hormones.
After continuous contemplation of my past experiences growing up, both as a child and a teenager, I realized I needed to get these events down on paper. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I wrote them all down in the order in which they happened, I could make sense of what I was feeling and who I was becoming.
A few months later, I had written a memoir of my sexual discovery. I changed all the names and wrote it in an erotic form. When it was completed and typed out, I said to myself, out loud, “Oh my God…..I am a freaking lesbian.” I knew deep down within myself that I had always identified as being bi-sexual. I never discriminated or withheld any desires due to the sex of an individual. Or perhaps I was just a horny girl and being open to either sex increased my chances of getting some action. Well…no, it wasn’t that simple. Although, now, in my present life, men and testosterone are at the forefront of my thoughts, feelings and fantasies. I blame it on my sexual peak.
Ultimately, the memoir was read by a few friends and the best compliment I got was….
“Oh my! It was so hot I had to stop reading and go masturbate!”
“You did??” I said, surprised. “Wow…well…thank you!”
“Uh, no, thank YOU!”
I emailed the document to myself in order to never lose it. Then I completely forgot about it – for a long time.
Years went by and my 30’s were just around the corner. My husband and I called it quits. I had a long, drawn out love affair with a woman that ended horribly. A few more lovers came in and out of my life, some of them women, though nothing long term came to fruition. I shall gladly and openly admit that I regret nothing and each lover I had was an excitingly wonderful and eye-opening experience…including my ex-husband. I discovered how truly amazing sex can be, even without being in love.
An important bit of information here would be to include that I have been practicing massage therapy since 1998. I love the work with all my heart. The human body has always fascinated me. For 15 years I have worked hard to improve my craft and intention to finally be able to call myself a healer. I will always want to heal people for the rest of my life. In more ways than just body work.
I enrolled in school in 2009 to study Psychology. It became an art for me to not only listen to people tell me their body issues while on my table, but their real and personal issues as well. I became an excellent listener and desperately wanted to help them even more than I was. With my love of sexuality, the human body and the human mind, I decided I wanted to put them all together and be some sort of sex therapist.
Eventually, I came to the conclusion, after several semesters, that school was not for me. I refused to harbor the belief that having a college degree would be the best way to get people to take me seriously. I dropped out and did something drastic, something wild…some even called it crazy and irresponsible. I sold everything I owned and went on a sabbatical. To make a long story short (too late-I know), I went on a “walk-about”. In my travels to California, Maui, Utah and North Carolina, I had one epiphany after another. It was time to do something with myself. It was time for me to stop living off the good graces of others and become completely self-sufficient. It was time to create something. It was time for my voice within to start singing. It was time to get to work.
In the heat of the summer of 2012, I remembered the memoir I had written. A light came on. An epiphany. This was it. I will express my voice through writing erotica. I will be a unique female voice in the genre to expand people’s perception of sexuality, to unburden themselves of shame, to heighten their senses and remind them that we were all created as sexual creatures. I will tell stories of sexual discovery, sexual healing and express my deepest belief that God intended it to be one thing, if not anything else – joyful. C.A. White